Congratulations you have a new psychiatric disorder!!

I rarely get pissed off but this just pushed me over the edge.

Apparently in the world of medical assessment there has come a time where we have to make a choice. Are we sick and able to deal with it without complaint? Or are we sick and want the doctors to freaking well do something about it? Apparently we can no-longer have both without being told we are mentally ill.

I repeat. If we complain about being ILL, then our doctors may be given the option of labelling you with a psychiatric disorder. Yeh. That well and truly pisses me off. MEGA amounts.

The American Psychiatric Association wants to have the power of licensing the application of a mental health diagnosis to all medical diseases and disorders. In laymans terms this means that if you think about your disease, you think too much about the terrible pain you are in because of your disease, you know you are ill, the doctors know you are ill and yet they can't find what is wrong with you, then you are automatically placed into the catergory of having the proposed psychatric diagnosis of 'Somatic Symptom Disorder'.

They diagnose this as thus:

“Criteria A, B, and C must all be fulfilled to make the diagnosis:

A. Somatic symptoms: One or more somatic symptoms that are distressing and/or result in significant disruption in daily life.

B. Excessive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors related to these somatic symptoms or associated health concerns: At least one of the following must be present.

(1) Disproportionate and persistent thoughts about the seriousness of one's symptoms.

(2) Persistently high level of anxiety about health or symptoms

(3) Excessive time and energy devoted to these symptoms or health concerns

C. Chronicity: Although any one symptom may not be continuously present, the state of being symptomatic is persistent (typically >6 months).”

So you have have a disease or illness that is distressing or disrupts your life (YAY- you fit criteria A), your disease or illness also in your distress makes you think about your disease or illness, (say you have non epileptic seizures and you are worried you're going to die as I did- YAY You fit Criteria B) and then if this continues for say 6 months, or more than congratulations you have the whole freaking set and are the proud owner of a new psychiatric disorder...

Do you see why i'm pee'd off. I have ME and Conversion Disorder, I have symptoms that cannot be defined or diagnosed through one specific test. Yet my illnesses disrupt my ife, distress me and cause me to spend excessive time worrying that I need to conserve energy for the next day and it has so far lasted 6 years.....

I might as well diagnose myself now then eh, American Psychatric Association...

Yes this deals predominately with pain and symptoms without explaination such as MEGA SHOCK; ME, but if you have a pain in your head, back, arms, legs or ANYWHERE and the doctors can't find out whats wrong with you then they are at fault not us! They need to find the cause not stick another psychatric label on someone because they haven't got the answer. And if they want the answer they need to spend more on biomedical research!

BUT APPARENTLY THATS NOT HOW MEDICINE WORKS ANYMORE!!!

As a good friend of mine (who won't mind being quoted) said:

'My guess is that the pharma companies will just have another cash cow for all the drugs they have that are fast running out of patent time- you have SSD- here take this little green pill that we have marketed to doctors for the treatment of patients with SSD a brand new psychiatric catergory.'

So here is where you good people come in, this is still being debated and decided on, in fact its in its final stages RIGHT NOW.

"The DSM-5 Web site (www.dsm5.org) is open to a third and final round of feedback. For six weeks, patients and their loved ones, members of the profession, and the general public can submit questions and comments via the Web site. All will be read by members of the appropriate DSM-5 work groups."

I URGE everyone with an invisible disorder to register their feedback, we CANNOT under any circumstances allow this to happen!! The medical boards cannot be allowed to put us with legitimate medical conditions in a group and label us with a psychiatric disorder!! We are NOT mental. We are ILL. And becoming stressed and upset and having your time consumed by the stress and distress of our disorders is NORMAL.

Please! If you do nothing else today, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE submit your comments on the website above!! They need to know how wrong and damaging this could be for all of us. Because we all know as soon as America signs up and categorises us as thus, the UK won't be far behind!!

The Student Nurse Named Katie

The Student Nurse Named Katie.

So I was admitted to hospital the day after my dissertation was given in. The stress of that, hormones in general, a nasty run in with someone I am now calling Voldemort and the two more coming essays that are due in on the 1^st of June all mixed in with the unhealthy dose of M.E. and I was off on that crazy mental seizure train that has landed me in hospital. My speech is just coming after 24 hours, my swallowing reflex leaves a lot to be desired (doctors are already mentioning the NG tube! Pulls massive face), and theres no change to my paralysis... Joy oh freaking Joy.

So I wake up this morning at 7am having got to the ward at 3am, lovely lady 3 beds down has dementia bless her, so I didn't get much sleep even with the seizure meds that could have taken out a horse, so i've basically slept all day. But a face kept appearing everytime I could pry my eyes open.

A student nurse by the name of Katie. It was her first day today and she has been put through the ringer from what I can gather around the massive amounts of seizure drugs they're still pumping into me and the general M.E. brain fog. To behonest this is the first time i've generally been coherent.... for about 48 hours haha.

So I had another seizure this afternoon, my mum had come during visiting hour and I just knew I was brewing for a good one, one lot of drugs was already being put through an I.V and they gave me another lot to stop it and there she was. Katie, the student nurse of her first day, and she apparently sat there and stroked my hand through it all. Mother says I scared the crap out of her, she'd never seen a seizure like mine before. But she has been a champ.

I woke up and there was Katie, making sure I was okay, so sure of herself and her abilities, but something in her eyes showed that worry that I wasn't alright and she didn't know what to do to make it better. She will make one of the finest nurses of her class I am sure.

I can go on and on about how bad the NHS has gotten, the care that people receive is just so below par, the recent Panarama about care homes and all the horror stories that we've all heard. I could go on about the lack of government funding, the lack of compassion and the lack of basic human feeling that is being seen on a daily basis. But one thing I am reminded of is that within the bunch that are so run off their feet, so under paid and under appreciated, there will always be a Katie. Someone so bursting with energy and compassion and so willing to help in anyway they can, that they brighten your day.

I had my Katie today, and I hope that everyone else gets their Katie as well, because it inspires the hope that not everyone is lost in the blur and darkness and downtrodden horridness that hospitals and treatment has become; that there is someone out there who is willing to learn and experience your illnesses with you and make it better for the next person to come along with the same.

I hope that through my hospital stay, and the indignity of having my Katie see me through a seizure that is not classed as a normal seizure, that she will and can go on and treat another with compassion and understanding. And I have every faith that she will. Because she has that spark, and I hope and pray that it never goes out. For her sake and for ours.

A Child's Perspective of having a disabled parent...

Growing up with a disabled parent...

'It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.'

 Charles Darwin

When I was growing up I didn't think there was anything different about how I was raised. My dad was in a wheelchair, he had nurses to care for him, and they would take us to school. (My old carers were some of the same few- unbelievable but true). He never was able to play football with us in the garden, or even get into the garden really without great difficulty.

He spent most of his time in bed, or on the couch or at his computer, tinkering with whatever project he had going at the time. This is how I remember him in my childhood, or at least the good bits. Things went slightly downhill between us all when my parents got divorced – he became pretty much non existent- but I still knew my dad wasn't what other kids had. Or rather I started to realise as I grew up. But that didn't mean anything less, he was still my dad in whatever crooked form he was in. And I loved him regardless of his disabilities.

The point I’m trying to make with this blog is to try and take some of the guilt away from those in the M.E. community, those who have disabilities and have children, and feel the constant pounding of guilt that they can't do and raise their children the way they had intended or envisioned.

I grew up with a dad who was disabled, but it was his own fault. He didn't take care of himself, he had diabetes and messed up enough that he is now near unable to function daily. He told me himself just a few weeks a go that he doesn't think he'll see too many more years now.

But I grew up with this. I can tell you that my mother said she never envisioned bringing us up how she did, after all she was married when she had us. But when you have a parent that isn't like the other parents, can't meet you at the school gates or needs you to be quieter when they are doing something, or they are feeling ill. You, me, as a child, adapt. You think nothing of it. From a child's perspective I never felt like I missed out on anything, because he had a disability.

I am now in the position where I am myself disabled and if I had a child I know how freaking hard it would be and I have some sympathy, that even if he didn't take full responsibility for us, that my main parent was my mother, it must have been HARD.

As a parent you have to adapt, you can't hold onto the expectations you had, the promises you made to yourself when your child was brought into this world, because life doesn't work like that. You have to adapt to the here and now and work your way through it as time goes on, constantly adapting for yourself and your child.

From a child's perspective, I never lost out. Yes I looked at other dads with envy every once and a while but as a child I knew who my dad was. Where he was. And as a child I thought of nothing less. He was how he was, and I knew no different.

So what I’m trying to say; Give Yourselves A Break!! Your children love you know matter what. Yes they might worry about you as they get older and become more aware of your limitations, and yes they might occasionally envy others. But YOU are their parent. You brought them into this world. And you are their constant. No matter what disability you have, that you were there in the first place will mean so much more in the long run than if you bury yourself in guilt so much that you start to pull away from them.

My story is slightly different, I have never had a great relationship with my father since my parents have divorced. Not because of my mother and her raising me, but because I began to see what the type of person he was for himself -his disabilities were negligible. I didn't like what I saw, and I distanced myself, and we have a fits and starts relationship now. I'll check in every few months, or just recently every few weeks. But that has nothing against his disability. That is him and the bad choices he's made.

But he's still my dad, and disabled or not, he always will be and I never missed out on anything because of his disability. I missed out because he could be at times, a difficult person.

So to those parents who feel they have in some way failed their children by being ill, by having M.E., by having Fibromyagia, by being disabled in some way. Don’t be so flipping silly. You are doing the best that you can do, and when you're kids grow up and have some of their own, or even before that and it hits them that you did everything that you have done for them whilst being so ill they will love you all the more. Because they will know the added pressure that you had to deal with and that you didn't give up or give in.

ME and how we try to look and feel our best, with minimal effort :P

So a dear friend has asked me to do a blog on Make Up and Hair and how to keep things nice and easy for us that have little/no energy. I have to say I am pretty low maintenance from the get go, brutal honesty, I am pretty at best on a good day, I’m not saying I’m a total dog or anything but we all need a little help here and there.

So between us we have come up with a few Make Up and Hair tips that can help us lot, women mostly, from feeling less grim.

Make Up

We have come to a census between us that Collection 2000 is brilliant, and cheap!! So here are our best picks:

• My friend swears by 'Collection 2000 Ultimate Fix Compact Foundation' it is a 3 in 1 of concealer, foundation and powder and she says it takes about 3 seconds to put on and makes you look great. Also its only around £4 or so.
• I'm more of a 'I-can't-bare-anything-but-the-minimum' kind of girl so I go straight for – 'Collection 2000, Illuminating Touch Light diffusing concealer' – God send in my opinion, put some on your raccoon circles around your eyes and dab it into your skin with your ring finger. One application usually does the Trick, but a tiny bit extra will cover a little more, any more than that and unless you use a setting powder (too much effort) you're going to get lines in your concealer.... not a good look.
• Also if you want to add a little definition to your eyes go straight for 'Collection 2000 Longer Lash 100% Waterproof Mascara'. It does what it says on the tin, I usually put a little on my upper eye lashes and leave the bottoms to do there own thing. Plus if you forget/can't be arsed/too exhausted to take you're make up off, this mascara wont move, wont smudge or anything. In fact mine has been known to last a couple of days – grubby I know but when you go into crisis mode you eye lashes are the least of your problems.
• I would also recommend a GOOD moisturising cream for your face before you put anything on, It needs to be thick and good quality and I swear by the oldie 'Nivea crème'. Its a nice base, deep moisturiser and you only need a little pot for your face. And it will last you all day, just put it on your forehead/nose/T-Zone area, cheeks and chin :) You don’t need anything fancy or UBER expensive, you need something that has been tried and tested for years and will work, and is above all EASY!!

Hair

Hmm this is where me and my friend could become divided. I have carers who come in 3 times a day and they blow dry my hair to perfection. BUT even if you don’t the help there are a few tips that we can think of that help immensely.

• A good conditioner, a thick one again, I use 'Tresemme Salon Silk Shampoo and Conditioner', I get my carers to shove it on all over and then it gives me a rest for 5 minutes whilst I wait for it to do its thing. PLUS if you use a good conditioner, and they don’t need to be expensive, in fact mine is usually on offer pretty regularly in Wilkinson’s, it helps get the tangles out, so less effort with brushing.
• Whereas my friend uses Alberto Balsam from the poundshop and says they're great! Only a quid each and last forever, she says 'I have strawberry scented and they smell so good, the conditioner is particularly amazing and leaves your hair soft with hardly any tangles to comb through'.

• 'Frizz-Ease Hair Serum' hmm, this is my suggestion again and I have carers, if you put a couple of drops and smooth it through the ends of your hair first BEFORE lightly running your hands through the crown area, then more manageable hair is right before your eyes.
• We both think that Dry Shampoo should go down for those of us who can't get out of bed/haven't got the energy/or are in a bit of a pickle. We both use 'Batiste Dry Shampoo', just spray it at your roots that are getting greasy, rub slightly and then wait 5 minutes (good rest time), then brush it out. Easy As and you'll find that your hair has more volume and looks less icky. WARNING: This is only a short term solution, to prolong the time between actually having your hair washed properly. Don’t make the mistake of using it for too long in one go, 2-3 days Max I would say. Because the build up WILL make you look like you have a scalp condition that needs urgent medical help :P
• If you want to avoid brushing your hair daily and getting knots in it then wear your hair in either a bun or a plait.

Body

Again we both have some of the same ideas and some different.

• A strong smelling shower gel or body wash. If you can't get to the shower the next day, you can still smell it on your skin – although you do need to still have a wipe around if you catch my drift!!
• Which bring me onto my next point of call and one both of us agree heavily on- EMBRACE Baby Wipes like your best friend. They can give you a wash, take make up off and just generally perk you up a bit. Especially if they're cold, cruel to ourselves but true. And you don't have to go through a whole wash routine which just can take too much on good or bad days.
• A MUST is - Radox Muscle Soak- It does what it says on the tin/bottle whatever lol. Bath + Radox muscle soak + 5/30/60 minutes and you are like my dog after a doggy massage, flat out relaxed and achy free. (Try not to get your hair in the water though pin it up or something because its not good for your tresses.

Other awesome idea's.

• Cocoa butter for silky smooth supple skin that smells lovely
• Simple do a lovely Toner which takes off make-up and leaves your skin feeling fresh as a daisy.
• Preparation H clear gel, commonly known as "pile cream", this wonderous clear gel in a tube works by tightening the skin. Used under the eyes with careful application will work wonders on dark eye circles and puffy eyes. It dries clear (but noticeable) so put it on at night, wait till it dries, go to sleep and then wipe off in the morning with baby wipes. I don't use it all the time and wouldnt recommend it for everyday use.
• Impulse body spray. They have a huge range of scents, they are reasonably priced and if you have to pop out or if someone is coming round and you havent had a bath/shower/wash a quick spritz of Impulse and you smell delicious!

Miscellaneous

• Another point out is that 'Optrex Refreshing Eye Drops' are a wonder to behold. Again, they make your eyes look brighter, and generally less tired, and they will probably wake you up a little as well. WARNING – DO NOT INJEST THESE DROPS, or over use them.Once a day max.
• Collection 2000 do the nicest nail polishes. Treat yourself to your own "manicure" by getting a bowl of warm water and putting a couple of drops of baby oil in it, let your hands soak for 5-15 minutes in there, very relaxing if you've been doing a lot of typing, writing, knitting etc. Simply dry off your hands and then apply some polish. I've been having fun with the latest trend of crackle effect and my friend has also used Mylene Klass nail foils which are time consuming and tricky but looks brilliant when done, a real work of art on your nails!
  
  
  
  
  So these are a few of the things we have come up with that can make our lives easier, nicer and some just to pamper ourselves when we need a pick me up and I hope that you can have a good look through them and add your own suggestions to the comments below.
  
  
  
  

THE WORLD HAS NOW OFFICIALLY GONE INSANE, And I am ASHAMED OF IT!!

Okay Elle, take a deep deep FREAKING DEEP breath. Calm, thinking calming thoughts, think of the ocean, think of Aberystwyth, think of the good, the nice and all things fluffy. You need to remain Calm.... Callllmmmmm.

I CANT FREAKING DO IT BECAUSE THE WORLD HAS GONE INSANE!!!

Okay so you're probably wondering What The F00k I am going on about, and don’t worry, I’m gonna tell you. A couple of months ago, as you all know by now, I was in hospital for 2 solid weeks in which I had to be put on a feeding tube. My swallowing reflex had failed for the umpteenth time and I had to horrid, horrid, and one more time for effect, HORRID, experience of having to be fed by a nasal-gastro tube. Tube gets inserted down your nose, pressed through your throat and down into your stomach so that you can receive emergency nutrients. EMERGENCY, MEDICAL, INTENSIVE CARE!!!

But oh, no, people. The World Has Gone Insane.... Because people are now using this as a DIET!!! They are willingly having tubes put down their throats so that they can lose up to 20 pounds in 10 days. BRIDES TO BE, are getting so desperate to get thin and into their wedding dresses that they are putting themselves through TORTURE. And to be honest this ISN'T even what I’m most infuriated at.

It makes a mockery, a DAMN MOCKERY, of everything I went through, everything severe M.E. patients go through, it makes a mockery of everything any extremely sick person has gone through when they are incapable of feeding themselves and are forced to be fed by tube. I still have a scarred throat from where my tube was forced through my reflex. SCARS, For Freaks Sake. I was practically starved because I couldn't swallow, there are M.E. patients who are so severely effected that they have no CHOICE, than to be fed by a tube.

To Quote:

'"It is a hunger-free, effective way of dieting," Dr Di Pietro said. "Within a few hours and your hunger and appetite go away completely, so patients are actually not hungry at all for the whole 10 days. That's what is so amazing about this diet."'

Surely it can't get any worse... au contraire mon ami

'Di Pietro says patients are under a doctor's supervision, although they're not hospitalized during the dieting process. Instead, they carry the food solution with them, in a bag, like a purse, keeping the tube in their nose for 10 days straight. Dr Di Pietro says there are few side effects.'

So lets break this sick sick thing down a little bit.

1. This is actually happening
2. This makes a mockery of every sick person fed through a tube on this planet
3. A DOCTOR is endorsing this as 'amazing'.
4. Hunger and appetite -basic human essential skills- are taken away for a long period of time (I had a flipping nightmare starting to eat again after mine was taken out)
5. The 'patients' are NOT hospitalised.
6. They carry their food solution around in their HANDBAGS!!!
7. And their tube is kept in for 10 days straight.
8. Oh, and the doctor says there are few side effects other than bad breath.

WHAT THE FUCK!!

I'm sorry that people feel so insecure about themselves, that woman running up to their wedding day feel so insecure about themselves, but SERIOUSLY??!! Is THIS what it is coming down to?

I don’t care, to be honest what brides do to lose their weight (the woman in link looks positively gaunt anyway) before the big day, but to have this done to themselves, to have this done when there are people out there where this is their only way of surviving, it makes me SICK. Its not 'amazing', its not fantastic and it DOES have side effects. It plays on insecurities, it makes a MOCKERY. And I can't stress that enough.

Further on in the article it says that this diet has been around in 'Europe' for years, and that the woman who they interviewed said she felt 'tired' and 'Sometimes I had to make excuses to people who were asking are you sick? And I was like, 'No, I'm not sick, I’m not dying, I’m fine''.

And the kicker, this so called Doctor is charging $1500 for the privilege.

When so many doctors in this world are fighting against diagnosing M.E, when so many young people are dying of M.E, and CD/FND, and lives are made UNBEARABLE, by diseases such as Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Cancer, Dementia, Altzeimers, Asthma, Diabetes, Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, AIDS/HIV, Haemorrhagic fevers. NOT TO MENTION, the flu virus, and all of the 'common' things like surgery, and neonatal babies who require feeding tubes. And I haven’t even touched the surface. Doctors are fighting against OUR conditions, yet there are those out there who are willing to do and encourage this...

But what happens if people start to take this too far? They want to lose MORE weight, they want to continue in this 'lifestyle', or my god strike them down, those people who are using this as a way of getting sympathy? Where will this end? It Wont. Because now that it is out there, and people are becoming more aware of it and it sickens me that I have felt the need to highlight this as well, and I better not hear of anyone doing this because they heard it from me so help me god, but will this ever go away? Or is this going to be just another fad diet? If it is exclaimed to be so easy, so effortless and these woman and men want to look their best, for the BIGGEST day of their lives, then is it REALLY going to go away?

I fear it won't and the mockery will continue.

A woman walks down the street with this 'diet' in her handbag and bumps into a woman who also has a feeding tube in, hers is in a backpack, or tied around her waist. And the first woman says to the second 'OMG you're on the same diet as me?? Isn't it so fantastic?! I have literally lost 20 pounds in the past 8 days alone!!, How are you finding it? How much have you lost?' And the second woman turns around to her and says, 'I have terminal cancer/M.E, I've been let out of the hospital for an hour so I can see the sun. So I can see my children at a café instead of a hospital room. So I can say goodbye to my loved ones in a place that isn't sterile'...

What would you do?

I am SERIOUSLY asking the question, what would YOU do? Would you even see the pain and suffering that people go through and that they NEED these feeds to LIVE? Or would you just see a quick fix to get into your wedding dress?

I would be ASHAMED of myself. Ashamed and asking for forgiveness, PROFUSELY.

But I wouldn't even do it in the first place. THATS the point!

Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/diet-brides-feeding-tubes-rapidly-shed-pounds/story?id=16146271#.T41AVVGm8fU

Stubborn Streak, and the decisions that shape a life time

Before I was ill, I can't remember having any cares in the world. Or at least none that truly in the grand scheme of things mattered. I was 16, I caught Shingles and from there things went down pretty sharpish. My Conversion symptoms started pretty soon afterwards, and looking back, so did my ME. I think when I say I was one of the 'lucky' ones for it to come on gradually, I say it with a grimace. I wasn't lucky, I still had two incurable conditions, it just prolonged everything that much longer before the inevitable happened.

Before I was ill, I could go out and have fun, I had energy like you wouldnt believe. But even then I was a quiet type of person, I was shy with others and unbelieving in myself. When I got ill, I became a different person. You quickly realise that you are being given a choice in life. You can either fight it, with everything that you have. Or you can succumb to it. And I chose the former. I was 16 when I started getting ill. I was betrayed by my bestest of friends in the midst of it all. Something I dont think I could ever forgive them for. But after being laid out in a hospital bed for two weeks out of every month, I chose to fight whatever was happening to me.

I started to change, from the shy, unassuming person. To somebody that on somedays I wouldn't like to go up against. When I get mad, I get mad. When I get hurt, I shatter. But it always comes back to te decisions I made when I was 16, when I was 17, when I was 18 and lastly when I was 19 and fighting to finish my A-Levels. I made the conscious choice to become a different person and it was only after I left home and went to university that the full force of that decision hit me in the face.

I made the decision to be a self sufficient as possible, I may be paralysed from time to time, one year out of every 2 or 3. I may be prone to unpredictable bouts of 'twitches', that more often than not lead to a seizure and land me in hospital for a couple of weeks. I might even be bed bound as I am mostly now. But I made the decision to live my life like anyone else would.

I was going to go to university. I was going to graduate. I was going to get a job, earn a living. And I was going to settle down and eventually have a family. Well all good intentions as the saying goes. I am at university. I am going to graduate, no matter what it takes me to get there. I may have already missed my chance of having the family, but I realised something this time around.

Life is flexible.

Life is flexible if you want it to be and are willing to allow it to be.

I am at university, studying my degree, but i'm at home. I am going to graduate, but i'll only be able to be there for the day unlike most of my peers who are taking the chance to have week long last hurrahs. I am going to get a job, even if that job is something i have to do from home, I consider my Blog my job if i'm honest – the cause of trying to get others to understand where I and millions of others are coming from is my job- and I will try my upmost to be worthy for it. And you know what, I might even meet a nice, understanding bloke who is worthy of me and I am worthy of him in return. It might happen. Who knows? Who REALLY knows whats going to happen in the future? But my plan is to be as flexible in my endeavour to reach my goals as possible... AFTER I graduate that is :P

After that I will be taken where I will and do what I must, and meet who I am bound by whatever fates to meet. I made that decision, at 16.

I'm not going to say it was easy, ask any one of my family members and they will tell you I was a nightmare for a while. But something along the way something clicked. I was told by doctors I would never finish my A-Levels and I did. I was told I would never go to university and that I would never finish, I have and I will. And through the past few months I have been shown that I have what it takes to do what I want in life as long as I stick to being flexible in how I get to where I want to be.

I think that 'something' that clicked was my stubborn streak.

I may someday, somehow walk among others looking as normal as you or they. Even with my ME I may reach a point where i'm not stuck in my bed, ever conscious of pressure sores, that I could go out and down the pub for my pint of Lemonade. But that wont change who I am inside, or compromise my principles and morals. I am a disabled person whether you choose to see it or not. I'm not ashamed to say that. I am DISABLED. I just happen to have varying degrees. And its now my job to make sure that those that who take the time out of their lives to read this blog, understand that there are people like me out there. We aren't invisible, we're just hard to see sometimes. But if you take the time to look and learn, then you become part of something amazing. An amazing group of people who, no matter the odds, are fighting for themselves day to day to day. And I am proud to be one of them, one of 'US'.

And we are fighting for a cure, a diagnosis, a life as well. A life just like you are.

Finally i just want to say THANK YOU to Freya, who tagged me in this photo on Facebook yesterday, I'm not ashamed to say i welled up a little, but i appreciate it so so much that you put this on my wall. Cheers Freya, you made my day :)

Doubt - that insidious feeling...

Doubt - that insidious feeling that taints everything around you, and makes you feel like you can't touch the sky when you're running and ready to jump for it.

I have Doubt, in a big way. My dissertation deadline is getting closer and I am getting more and more exhausted, I am getting to the point where my nose is up against the wall. I am nearly half way through my dissertation, I only have 17 days left till it's due. But I am also aware that I am writing this on Friday the 13^th, not that I am supersticious... much.

But I am getting to that point where I am doubting my ability to continue my work, whilst fighting with this illness. I have Physio once a week and it wipes me out for days afterwards. I am having loads of visitors from Social workers, to financial advisors and assessors to a charity trust who wants to help me hire my own employee -That Personal Assisstant who can be my carer and take me places - and they are all taking energy away from what I should be concentrating what I can on which is my dissertation. But they need to do these things Now. Today. Right this minute. So this is what I'm doing. I am resting in bed 24/7. I am taking my meetings from bed, I am writing my dissertation from bed, I am eating and sleeping from bed. I am napping inbetween writing paragraphs, I am napping inbetween meetings and I am sleeping through most of everything just so I have that little smidge extra to concentrate on my dissertation.

But the doubt is there. My university has a NO EXTENSION policy, on any grounds whatsoever. This dissertation is due on the 1^st May. No exceptions. At this point I'm not sure whether its going to be great, i'm not sure whether its even going to be good, I am betting on just below average if i'm honest. BUT I just want this dissertation done and in. So that I only have the 2 extra essays due 1^st June to contend with.

I know it was my choice to fight for Graduation, to fight to finish my degree, because I am a hairs breath away from finishing and I know if I were to stop now I would never forgive myself, or forget it. I would regret it for the rest of my life. I KNOW I would.

But the doubt is there. Am I going to get this dissertation in on time? I don't know, I REALLY REALLY don't know whether it's going to get in on time. BUT I am trying my damned hardest to make sure it is!

My mother has always said that 'you can only do your best', and I live by that. I am doing my best, I am doing my best to finish university. And I going to run with it.... or at least push my chair towards it with everything I have!! Because I dont want to live with regrets. I dont want to be sat at home on the 10th of July and be watching my friends graduate through a computer screen. I want MY FRIENDS all over this country, to watch me get up there and graduate instead!

If I fail to get it in, there is no way I am not going to feel utterly gutted!! But I will know that I tried my hardest!! Because even if I have to run myself into the ground and have to be pushed onto that stage to get my scroll and have my photographs taken looking like a freaking racoon because I look that bad (actually no I promise myself that I will buy myself a decent concealer should that happen:) but even though the doubt is there, I am going to put it down to major Friday the 13^th jitters.And in the end, my dissertation will be finished at some point even if it isnt in by the 1^st May, and i'll go and get it bound and I can still be proud of it, that the time, effort and EXHAUSTION, that has gone into that piece of work is so immense that I dont think i'll even care if I get a rough mark/or it hasnt been marked. I'll have peace of mind knowing that its done. And Bound. And has my name on it, so that I can put it on a bookshelf and take it down every once and a while, and have a read through it and cringe at how bad it is.

But I think with everything I am contending with, how fast I seem to be going down hill, how many more bad days I am having to good, that ANYTHING is better than nothing. So I might have only got 5000 words done so far, and still have 7000 to go. But I got that far at least. And even though I'm doubting myself and doubting the finishing line, i'm not giving up until 2.30pm on 1^st May. Because THAT is when it will matter.

After every post I write my friend and co-admin on our town's support group bumps this message up the page:

So I think i'll take that, and push myself with it as far as I can go.... until I really am in the toilet. Because to me, getting my degree finished is worth it. I owe it to myself, my family, my Director of Undergrad Studies who has given me the chance to finish from home, I owe to my favourite lecturers, Dr Stoddart and Dr Maddrell, even if the latter won't be there. I owe to everyone and myself who has given me support over the last 3 years and especially over the last few months. So I have my doubt but i'm not letting it get in the way of trying my hardest to get where I want to be. And that is my graduation ceremony.

Even if I do look like a racoon :P

P.s – it is now 23.53 on the night of Friday the 13^th, Hours after I initially wrote this post. Update, I have added to my dissertation by approximately 700 words... deep breath and out. If i minus the 10% lee-way i am allowed i am now over half way there!!