Doubt - that insidious feeling...

Doubt - that insidious feeling that taints everything around you, and makes you feel like you can't touch the sky when you're running and ready to jump for it.

I have Doubt, in a big way. My dissertation deadline is getting closer and I am getting more and more exhausted, I am getting to the point where my nose is up against the wall. I am nearly half way through my dissertation, I only have 17 days left till it's due. But I am also aware that I am writing this on Friday the 13^th, not that I am supersticious... much.

But I am getting to that point where I am doubting my ability to continue my work, whilst fighting with this illness. I have Physio once a week and it wipes me out for days afterwards. I am having loads of visitors from Social workers, to financial advisors and assessors to a charity trust who wants to help me hire my own employee -That Personal Assisstant who can be my carer and take me places - and they are all taking energy away from what I should be concentrating what I can on which is my dissertation. But they need to do these things Now. Today. Right this minute. So this is what I'm doing. I am resting in bed 24/7. I am taking my meetings from bed, I am writing my dissertation from bed, I am eating and sleeping from bed. I am napping inbetween writing paragraphs, I am napping inbetween meetings and I am sleeping through most of everything just so I have that little smidge extra to concentrate on my dissertation.

But the doubt is there. My university has a NO EXTENSION policy, on any grounds whatsoever. This dissertation is due on the 1^st May. No exceptions. At this point I'm not sure whether its going to be great, i'm not sure whether its even going to be good, I am betting on just below average if i'm honest. BUT I just want this dissertation done and in. So that I only have the 2 extra essays due 1^st June to contend with.

I know it was my choice to fight for Graduation, to fight to finish my degree, because I am a hairs breath away from finishing and I know if I were to stop now I would never forgive myself, or forget it. I would regret it for the rest of my life. I KNOW I would.

But the doubt is there. Am I going to get this dissertation in on time? I don't know, I REALLY REALLY don't know whether it's going to get in on time. BUT I am trying my damned hardest to make sure it is!

My mother has always said that 'you can only do your best', and I live by that. I am doing my best, I am doing my best to finish university. And I going to run with it.... or at least push my chair towards it with everything I have!! Because I dont want to live with regrets. I dont want to be sat at home on the 10th of July and be watching my friends graduate through a computer screen. I want MY FRIENDS all over this country, to watch me get up there and graduate instead!

If I fail to get it in, there is no way I am not going to feel utterly gutted!! But I will know that I tried my hardest!! Because even if I have to run myself into the ground and have to be pushed onto that stage to get my scroll and have my photographs taken looking like a freaking racoon because I look that bad (actually no I promise myself that I will buy myself a decent concealer should that happen:) but even though the doubt is there, I am going to put it down to major Friday the 13^th jitters.And in the end, my dissertation will be finished at some point even if it isnt in by the 1^st May, and i'll go and get it bound and I can still be proud of it, that the time, effort and EXHAUSTION, that has gone into that piece of work is so immense that I dont think i'll even care if I get a rough mark/or it hasnt been marked. I'll have peace of mind knowing that its done. And Bound. And has my name on it, so that I can put it on a bookshelf and take it down every once and a while, and have a read through it and cringe at how bad it is.

But I think with everything I am contending with, how fast I seem to be going down hill, how many more bad days I am having to good, that ANYTHING is better than nothing. So I might have only got 5000 words done so far, and still have 7000 to go. But I got that far at least. And even though I'm doubting myself and doubting the finishing line, i'm not giving up until 2.30pm on 1^st May. Because THAT is when it will matter.

After every post I write my friend and co-admin on our town's support group bumps this message up the page:

So I think i'll take that, and push myself with it as far as I can go.... until I really am in the toilet. Because to me, getting my degree finished is worth it. I owe it to myself, my family, my Director of Undergrad Studies who has given me the chance to finish from home, I owe to my favourite lecturers, Dr Stoddart and Dr Maddrell, even if the latter won't be there. I owe to everyone and myself who has given me support over the last 3 years and especially over the last few months. So I have my doubt but i'm not letting it get in the way of trying my hardest to get where I want to be. And that is my graduation ceremony.

Even if I do look like a racoon :P

P.s – it is now 23.53 on the night of Friday the 13^th, Hours after I initially wrote this post. Update, I have added to my dissertation by approximately 700 words... deep breath and out. If i minus the 10% lee-way i am allowed i am now over half way there!!